I have spent allot of time trying to learn as much as I can about how to parent effectively and improve the overall health of my family; I also know that practicing the recommendations made by professionals is often easier said then done. When life gets tough it becomes even more difficult to practice the healthy behaviors we so desperately need. But then it’s funny how sometimes it takes those desperate times, something drastic to make us change for the better.
I have wanted to start a blog since the time I found out I was having twins in 2009. I almost began my blog two years ago after losing a very close friend, while going through a very difficult pregnancy with the twins, with months of bed rest, spending a month in the hospital away from my husband and daughter, giving birth to premature twins who spent nearly a month in the NICU, and then returning home to raise 3 children, trying to figure out nursing, sleeping, and balancing my attention and time. BUT, let’s just say that life got in the way and I put it off.
Since then I have thought about blogging regularly, because I know it helps me to write out my experiences, thoughts and feelings, and I know there are other parents out there who can relate, provide insight and resources, and hopefully benefit from knowing they are not alone. But the daily tasks of caring for my family, keeping the house clean, work, and so on and so on often felt too overwhelming. Taking a shower and feeding myself are cherished and sometimes rare moments, making it feel impossible to find time to do things for myself. However, the last few months, and especially the last few days have really put things into perspective for me and have motivated me to take action on this long desired goal of starting a blog.
Since raising three children, I have often felt that I just barely have things under control when everyone is all healthy and well, but as soon as someone gets sick or we are surprised with a new challenge life begins to feel chaotic and often too overwhelming. Our twins CJ and Mikah have struggled with asthma and ear infections since birth, but over the last four months they have each had four rounds of double ear infections and antibiotics. With their ear infections, there have been many high fevers, numerous stressful and chaotic doctor visits, and days upon days of screaming and discomfort for all of us with very little sleep! Just as their last ear infection was clearing up, I experienced a moment of relief. I had a couple days of actually sleeping through the night and the boys were finally returning to their sweet little, happy selves. I thought “THANK GOD!” We were so due for a break and I didn’t know how much more I could handle. But the feeling of relief was quickly overtaken with feelings of anxiety, panic and fear that chaos would soon return. I fluctuated back and forth between feelings of relief and anxiety, as I tried to convince myself that the worst was over, they would be getting their ear tubes in a few days and besides we are only given what we can handle, right? I was genuinely convinced that we just COULD NOT handle anymore, but boy was I wrong!
Within less then an hour of having this conversation with myself, I unloaded the kids after a long walk in the jogger. It was a warm day and the kids were getting fussy in the stroller. I was anxious to get the kids out to play with their knew sprinkler water toy. Drenched from the waist down all three kids ran around on the drive way squeeling with pure joy as I attempted to figure out how to keep the water in one safe area. Mikah and Macie began to move the water closer to our slippery garage floor and as I moved it back into place, CJ bolted around me into the garage. All I heard was a very loud SPLAT, followed by a loud wailing cry. I picked him up and began to assess for injuries. With no external wounds in sight, I began to feel around his body asking him where he hurt, but he was unable to communicate well. A part of me thought he was possibly overtired and ready for a nap, hungry for lunch and and possibly overreacting just a bit. He had just finished having a fit in the stroller just before water play. The other part of me worried that he was truly injured, as he is usually really tough, and not very dramatic. As I attempted to set him down, he refused to put weight on his legs and at that point I knew something was wrong and decided to take him to urgent care. But, as I assessed him further, I realized that his his left leg was not moving and just flopped and layed limp. At this point I realized I could not safely load three wet kids into the car and take them to urgent care by myself, especially not knowing how bad he hurt himself. I layed him in a safe secure spot holding hands with his sister, and picked up his brother Mikah who was still running aimlessly about. Both next door neighbors were not home. I ran a couple doors down, found a trusted neighbor who confirmed it would be best to dial 911. At this point, I felt panicked and as though I was not thinking as clearly as I should be.
It was a long bumpy and painful ambulence ride and we spent 9 hours total in the ER and OR that day. After x-rays we learned that CJ suffered a spiral fracture to his femur. He was given two doses of Morphin and Tylenol with Verset, all intended to help him relax and make him sleepy, but was not giving in. He had gone hours without eating or napping, and he was not happy about being unable to move. He hated every little thing they touched him with and stuck on him, and he fought so hard that his IV had to be restarted 3 times. Usually he is our busiest little bee at home, but today he was not moving from the waist down and not even trying to sit up, but his arms, face and vocal cords were lit up with agitation! Although we were thankful that things weren't worse, we were very sad when we learned that he would be placed in a hip spica cast that started just below his chest all the way down both legs with a metal bar connect at the knees! When the orthopedic doctor took him back to sedate and cast him this was the first time we left his side since this all happened, and my heart sank. I returned to that conversation I had with myself earlier, and wondered how our family would cope with this. The thoughts began to swarm my mind. How would our busy little guy handle being all couped up in this humungous cast? How would we take care of him along with his brother and sister?
This all happened four days ago, and over the last several days we have barely slept, barely finished our meals, and we are running on fumes, with little patience left for each other. I have been filled with sadness that my little guy has to go through such a painful and uncomfortable ordeal, anxiety about how we will get through this, guilt that this happened on my watch and regret that I didn’t do things different to prevent this all from happening. There have been moments of brief tears, but it wasn’t until going to the grocery store and having an hour alone with myself that the tears and anger really began to flow.
After several minutes of self pity and almost running other drivers over with my anger, I realized I had to make a very conscious effort to change in this experience. If I were to continue on this path of self distructive thoughts, sleepless nights, and lack of care for myself and reactiveness with those around me, I would not survive the next four weeks of CJ’s cast and definitely would not be helpful to my family. It was in this moment that I made a commitment to do my best to practice what I preach in the parenting class I teach at work, which begins with taking care of ourselves first so we can be our best and model healthy behaviors for our children. Although, it becomes much more difficult to engage in healthy habits when we are under significant stress, it is even more important then ever to do so during these times.
There are many things that have helped me to survive and grow over the last couple of years, and my hope is that this will also help me over the next month. My plan is to share these tips and experiences with you from a personal and a professional viewpoint. In my next blog I plan to share my journey with you and survival tips. For now I will leave you with a quote that has really helped me over the last several days. When faced with pain, stress, and difficult times I challenge you to do the same. Write it down and put it in a place you will remember to read it daily!
"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever." -Lance Armstrong
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